In a stunning reversal that has left even seasoned political pundits scratching their perfectly sculpted, gender-neutral beards, Texas Governor Greg Abbott – a man whose previous LGBTQ+ policies could best be described as 'a beige, aggressively heterosexual beige' – has not only publicly declared gender to be a 'social construct fluid enough to warrant a new tiered tax system', but also signed into law the most progressive LGBTQ+ rights bill the state has ever seen.
The bill, affectionately nicknamed the "Rainbow Rodeo of Rights" by its supporters (and the "Fiscal Fiasco of Fabulousness" by its detractors – mostly found sweating profusely in their poorly ventilated pickup trucks), grants same-sex couples the right to adopt armadillos (apparently, a surprisingly contentious issue in Texas), legalizes gender-affirming care for all sentient beings (including those arguing that sentient beings do not include trans people), and mandates that all public schools provide a minimum of five gender-neutral bathrooms per classroom (leading to concerns about space, but also, exciting rumors of a clandestine polyamorous teacher's union).
Abbott, during a press conference punctuated by enthusiastic cheers from a suspiciously coordinated group of drag queens sporting miniature cowboy hats, stated: "Look, I used to think 'woke' was just a Starbucks term. Turns out, it's a tax haven. Jokes aside (mostly), this is about fairness. We're going to make Texas so accepting, it will make California look like a Trump rally (though, admittedly, with slightly better avocado toast)."
His opponents, predictably, have responded with a range of arguments, including: "It's unnatural!" (said while using an iPhone), "This is socialism!" (said while living in a heavily subsidized gated community), and "This will affect property values!" (said while attempting to purchase another lakefront property). Meanwhile, the only person seemingly unfazed is Elon Musk, who's reportedly drafting a proposal to colonize Mars with a gender-neutral cryptocurrency named 'DogeCoin-fluid'. The future is truly here – and it's wearing glitter boots.
