In a stunning display of what can only be described as 'ironic performance art', Police Chief Reginald Hardcastle, a man whose mustache alone could write a dissertation on 'The Problematics of Heteronormativity', arrested a group of Pride protesters for... well, protesting. Apparently, their rainbow-colored inflatable unicorns were deemed a 'threat to public order' – a statement that was immediately followed by a city-wide shortage of unicorn-related merchandise. However, the story takes a deliciously unexpected turn. Just six hours later, Chief Hardcastle was spotted leading the Pride parade, sporting a sequined rainbow sash, a feather boa that would make Liberace blush, and flawlessly lip-syncing to 'Rise and Shine' from Kylie Jenner’s Instagram.
Sources close to the Chief (who wished to remain anonymous, citing fear of being forced to participate in a mandatory 'Queer Eye' makeover) described his earlier actions as a 'bold statement on the fluidity of authority and the inherent irony of systemic oppression' – a phrase that was later used in at least three different academic papers and subsequently mocked by several prominent conservative commentators on Twitter. The protesters, meanwhile, were released on bail with the condition that they attend a mandatory workshop on ‘Understanding the Nuances of Performative Allyship.’ The workshop, incidentally, was led by Chief Hardcastle himself, who, during a particularly impassioned segment on the importance of inclusive pronouns, accidentally used the wrong one, causing an uproar that was later described as 'cathartic' by a post-workshop survey.
This incident has sparked a national debate. Is it performative activism, brilliant satire, a sign of a coming utopia, or simply a case of someone having a *very* interesting Saturday? Commentators are divided, although most agree that the Chief’s lip-syncing was on point. We will continue to follow this developing story, which may or may not involve the introduction of mandatory glitter taxes and a nationwide initiative to rename all street signs with gender-neutral pronouns.
