In a plot twist so twisty it's practically a double helix, renowned homophobe and Instagram fitness guru, Chad Thundercock (yes, really), has launched "Queerly Wed," a wedding planning app designed to make same-sex weddings "so fabulous, they'll make your grandma question her heteronormative beliefs." Chad, who previously garnered headlines for calling drag queens 'a blight on society' and comparing same-sex marriage to 'a dog humping a fire hydrant,' claims his sudden shift is all about 'reclaiming the narrative.'
"Look," Chad explained in a video showcasing his chiseled abs and a rainbow-colored mankini, "I realized the gays are winning. They're getting married, adopting kids, and hosting fabulous brunch parties, while I'm still single and my protein powder keeps clumping. So, I'm joining them. Think of it as a Trojan horse of fabulousness. I'll slowly indoctrinate the straights, one perfectly curated wedding at a time."
The app, which is already trending on the App Store (apparently, the 'appreciate' button is a very popular feature), boasts an array of features catering to the LGBTQ+ community and beyond. This includes personalized 'ally-affirmation' playlists, a drag queen wedding officiant finder (featuring RuPaul's Drag Race alumni and several 'influencers' Chad allegedly blocked on Instagram last week), and a section dedicated to 'heterosexual re-education.'
"We'll have everything from unicorn-themed ceremonies to polyamorous vow renewals and, of course, a section dedicated to custom-made rainbow onesies for the entire wedding party," Chad gushed, before adding, "And I’ll be offering personalized ‘How To Be An Ally’ coaching sessions for a small fee. Think of it as an investment in the future—and my newly-discovered fabulousness."
Critics have labeled the app a cynical attempt at capitalizing on the LGBTQ+ market, while supporters are busy booking their weddings. Either way, one thing's for certain: Chad Thundercock has officially become the most unexpected LGBTQ+ icon since… well, since the entire cast of 'Will & Grace.'
