In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative fitness community, renowned Olympic weightlifter, Chad Thundercock (yes, really), has not only refused to endorse a Pride-themed workout line but has launched his *own* LGBTQ+-focused fitness brand, ‘Chad’s Gay Gains.’

Thundercock, known for his previously outspoken (and suspiciously poorly-understood) views on 'traditional family values,' claims his decision stems from a profound realization: 'Turns out, being ripped AF is *very* gay. I'm not even mad; I’m just…buff.'

His new line, which boasts limited edition rainbow-colored protein shakes with names like ‘The Gayzer’ and ‘Biceptual,’ is already selling out. Experts attribute the success to a perfect storm of factors: the inherent appeal of Chad’s ripped physique, the marketing brilliance of strategically placing strategically placed glitter, and, most importantly, the sheer irony of a man known for his homophobic rhetoric embracing the community he once disparaged.

"It’s a masterclass in woke capitalism," commented Dr. Brenda Bisexual, a leading expert in performative allyship (and, coincidentally, Thundercock’s personal trainer). "He’s essentially weaponizing queerness to sell protein powder. Genius! Or maybe…pure evil? I’m still figuring that part out."

Critics, however, remain unconvinced. "It's all a cynical marketing ploy!" exclaimed Pastor Greg, who somehow manages to preach about love while simultaneously clutching a pearl-encrusted rosary. "This 'Chad' character is clearly exploiting the LGBTQ+ community for profit! Unless…it's a brilliant, multi-layered satire commenting on the absurdity of the culture war? I…I need another glass of wine."

Meanwhile, Chad himself remains unfazed, lifting impossibly heavy weights and effortlessly gliding into the sunset, leaving behind a trail of rainbow-colored glitter and bewildered conservatives in his wake. His only comment? "More gains, more rainbows, more confusion. That's my brand."