In a move so stunning it could make a drag queen’s wig fall off, Senator Barnaby Butterfield, known for his staunch opposition to ‘all that rainbow nonsense,’ has declared a National Pride Day. Yes, you read that right. The same Barnaby Butterfield who once compared drag queens to ‘aggressive squirrels on PCP’ and referred to same-sex marriage as ‘a slippery slope towards… well, more slippery slopes’ is now championing a national day of pride.

But hold onto your glitter-covered hats, folks, because this isn't your grandma's Pride parade. Butterfield's ‘Pride Day’ involves a mandatory viewing of ‘The Patriot’ (the Mel Gibson one, naturally), a nationwide ban on anything remotely resembling fun, and a pledge of allegiance to… well, we're still trying to decipher that part of the press release. It might involve tax cuts for people who own at least three lawn gnomes.

Sources say that Butterfield's sudden about-face stems from a rather unfortunate incident involving a rogue unicorn and a vat of pastel-colored paint at his annual ‘Straight-Pride BBQ’ last week. Apparently, the unicorn, a known advocate for gender fluidity (in the equine community, at least), caused significant damage and made Barnaby question his entire worldview... Or possibly just his life insurance policy.

The LGBTQ+ community is understandably... perplexed. “It’s like the anti-vax crowd suddenly endorsed vaccines, except instead of vaccines, it's… acceptance? I don't know anymore,” quipped local activist, Willow Whisperingwind, while simultaneously crocheting a tiny pride flag for her pet ferret, Bartholomew.

Meanwhile, the nation awaits the inevitable chaos. Will this be the ultimate ironic reclamation of Pride, or the start of a dystopian future where rainbows are only allowed in the designated ‘Hetero-Normative Rainbow Zone’? Only time – and a very confused unicorn – will tell.