In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of outrage (and glitter) through the usually staid halls of Millwood Middle School, fifth-grade teacher Ms. Agnes Periwinkle has launched a full-scale rebellion against trans inclusion...by creating a gender-neutral curriculum so aggressively inclusive, it's practically a weaponized rainbow.

Ms. Periwinkle, who reportedly once mistook a pronoun for a type of pasta, began her protest by banning all gendered nouns. Gone are the days of 'boys' and 'girls'; now, all students are simply 'sparkly beings.' The curriculum, which consists primarily of interpretive dance routines set to Taylor Swift's discography and crafting projects involving copious amounts of glitter, is said to have achieved a surprising level of gender neutrality. 'It’s literally impossible to be cisgender when you're covered head-to-toe in iridescent flakes,' one student, who now identifies as 'Glitter,' confidently stated.

The controversy deepened when Ms. Periwinkle introduced the concept of 'Unicorn Fluidity,' where students explore their gender identity through the prism of mythical creatures. A school official, who wishes to remain anonymous to avoid being 'cancelled into oblivion,' noted, 'We've had more children identifying as 'Rainbow Pegasus' than we have functioning toilet facilities.'

The protest has backfired spectacularly, however. Parents initially upset about the lack of traditional math and science are now preoccupied with procuring enough glitter for their children’s 'self-expression' projects. One particularly irate parent, Mr. Chad Thundercock, was overheard lamenting, 'My little Timmy used to want to be an astronaut. Now he wants to be a sparkly unicorn who identifies as a gender-fluid sentient rainbow. What's next? Will he start listening to Olivia Rodrigo?'

Ms. Periwinkle, meanwhile, remains unfazed, busy incorporating more crystals and affirmations into her curriculum. When asked about the backlash, she simply replied, 'Honey, resistance is futile. Embrace the sparkle.'