In a stunning development that has sent ripples of – dare we say it – *bi-polar* confusion through the academic community, renowned (and wildly self-proclaimed) Xenobiologist Professor Quentin Quibble has released a groundbreaking study claiming that non-binary identities are, in fact, a fleeting adolescent phase, much like wearing Crocs or believing Nickelback is good music.
Professor Quibble, whose previous research included a controversial paper linking the existence of extraterrestrial life to the popularity of avocado toast, presented his findings at a recent symposium, casually dismissing the existence of a gender spectrum as mere "youthful experimentation." His research, apparently involving extensive observation of goldfish (because, science), concluded that non-binary identities are akin to a child's temporary obsession with glitter, eventually giving way to the ‘natural’ order of male and female – or, as Professor Quibble so eloquently put it, "the two genders God gave us… and possibly one or two for the really adventurous."
The study has been met with predictable outrage, particularly on social media, where many have pointed out the inherent irony in a cisgender white man determining the validity of other people's identities. One commenter, going by the handle @Queer_iosity, quipped, "It’s like asking a pigeon for advice on astrophysics, but even less credible." Others have called for his immediate deplatforming, suggesting a lifetime ban from the annual International Conference on Gender Studies, and maybe a stern talking-to from RuPaul himself.
Professor Quibble, in a statement released through his publicist (who, ironically, identifies as genderfluid), remained unmoved. He simply stated, "I've made it clear: It's all a phase. Next, I'll be tackling the myth of unicorns and the inherent superiority of classical music over, say, that…that… *shudder*… Harry Styles. Stay tuned for my groundbreaking work on the relationship between astrology and the optimal temperature for brewing kombucha!" This suggests, with a heavy dose of satire, that Quibble's views may be more aligned to his own comfort than scientific discovery. The subsequent outrage fueled a record-breaking surge in sales of gender-affirming clothing and glitter cannons, leaving a glittery trail of chaos and possibly, actual scientific breakthroughs in its wake.
