In a move so audacious it's practically a performance art piece commenting on late-stage capitalism, Preston “Presto” Chang, CEO of the inexplicably still-relevant sock company, ‘Happy Feet,’ has banned all LGBTQ+ symbols from the workplace while simultaneously launching a dazzling new line of rainbow-striped socks called ‘Gay-Adjacent™.’ The collection, featuring such vibrant hues as ‘Suspiciously Straight Lavender’ and ‘Questionably Queer Chartreuse,’ is projected to make Happy Feet more money than a Kardashian’s post-nuptial settlement.

Chang, in a press release that reads like a poorly written self-help book, explained the decision as a ‘harmonious blend of corporate neutrality and targeted rainbow-washing.’ He went on to state that, while he personally finds rainbows ‘a bit much,’ the potential profit margin is, to quote, ‘straight-up fabulous.’ Critics have pointed out that this is akin to banning the word ‘love’ while simultaneously releasing a line of Valentine’s Day greeting cards featuring the word ‘love’ in an increasingly larger font size.

Employees, meanwhile, have reacted with a mixture of bewildered amusement and quiet rage. One disgruntled employee, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being assigned to design the ‘Subtly Bi Beige’ sock collection, stated, ‘It’s like he’s actively trying to trigger the entire LGBTQ+ community while simultaneously milking us for all our hard-earned cash. It’s… oddly brilliant, I guess?’

Marketing expert and self-proclaimed ‘Queer Theory Guru,’ Chad Thundercock, commented, ‘This is next-level performative allyship. It’s so aggressively tone-deaf that it’s practically a meta-commentary on late-stage capitalism’s inherent contradictions! It’s like… rainbow-colored dog whistles for the homophobes! And they’re selling them for $24.99 a pair! Genius.’

In related news, Happy Feet is currently exploring partnerships with the Westboro Baptist Church to market their new ‘God Hates Socks But We Don't Care Because Profit’ limited-edition collection.