In a stunning twist that has left the internet simultaneously gasping and giggling, Hollywood heavyweight Kevin Costner, famously known for his roles in films where masculinity is as rigid as his legendary jawline, has not only publicly denounced LGBTQ+ rights (again, for some reason), but also simultaneously signed on to star in the upcoming romantic comedy, *Sequins & Saddle Sores: A Gay Western*.

Sources say Costner’s about-face came after a particularly enlightening (and possibly hallucinogenic) mushroom tea ceremony with RuPaul. "He apparently spent three hours explaining the merits of glitter eyeshadow to a bewildered alpaca," whispered a production insider who wishes to remain anonymous, primarily because they’re still trying to get the glitter out of their hair.

The film, which boasts a budget larger than the GDP of several small island nations (mostly because of Costner’s exorbitant demand for organic, ethically sourced, gluten-free, kale-infused chapstick), promises a heartwarming tale of two cowboys who find love on the range, amidst the usual tumbleweeds and shocking revelations about Costner's surprisingly extensive collection of cowboy hats.

Meanwhile, the internet is ablaze. One Twitter user, @MAGA_Muffin_Man, simply posted a GIF of a confused squirrel. Another, @Karen4Truth, launched a Change.org petition demanding that Costner be replaced with a less 'woke' actor, preferably one who believes the earth is flat and that COVID is a hoax perpetrated by the lizard people (who, coincidentally, are also rumored to be secretly pro-LGBTQ+). Meanwhile, Elton John has reportedly offered Costner a lifetime supply of his favorite champagne if he publicly pledges allegiance to the fabulousness of glitter.

This truly is a woke-up call. It's almost as if…dare we say it…heteronormativity is as fluid as Costner's character arc?