In a bombshell interview that's sent shockwaves through the galaxy (and, you know, Hollywood), daytime talk show legend Ellen DeGeneres revealed the *real* reason she's bisexual: extraterrestrial intervention. Appearing on a newly launched, crypto-currency-funded talk show hosted by a sentient avocado named Guac, Ellen spilled the cosmic tea.
'It wasn't some coming-out journey,' Ellen confessed, adjusting her meticulously crafted, rainbow-sequined Crocs. 'It was a… probing. A very, very thorough probing. Turns out, those little grey guys have a *thing* for interspecies romance – and apparently, a *very* specific taste for witty, middle-aged, white women with a penchant for daytime television and uncomfortable amounts of self-congratulatory philanthropy.'
The revelation has sparked a firestorm of debate. Right-wing pundit Tucker Carlson, who seemingly still believes the Earth is flat and that dinosaurs were secretly communists, called the interview 'a blatant attack on the very fabric of heterosexual America.' He also added a bizarre aside about how Ellen's new Crocs 'are a socialist plot to undermine the shoe industry.'
Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community is divided. Some praise Ellen for bringing alien-assisted bisexuality to the mainstream, noting its intersectional implications for those who identify as both queer and intergalactic. Others, however, express concern over the potential for alien colonization to disrupt the carefully crafted narratives of the queer liberation movement. One activist commented, 'It's great that Ellen's out, but how many pronouns do we need now? Are we talking 'ze/zir' or a full-blown Klingon pronoun system?'
The Galactic Federation has yet to respond to Ellen's claims, although sources say they're currently negotiating a lucrative endorsement deal with Crocs for a line of interdimensional footwear. As for Ellen, she’s reportedly planning a new daytime show exploring the complexities of interspecies relationships, tentatively titled 'Finding Your Extraterrestrial Soulmate: A Guide to Alien Attraction'. Prepare for another season of awkward celebrity interviews, only this time, the awkwardness will be coming from a sentient lifeform light years away. And they'll probably be wearing Crocs.
