In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make a quantum physicist weep, renowned television personality Tucker Carlson has released a new book, "Men Should Still Be Men (And Women Should Totally Submit to Them, But Like, In A Totally Empowering Way): A Guide to Traditional Gender Roles in a Post-Woke Dystopia." The book, which is already a bestseller among those who still believe the earth is flat and that dinosaurs are secretly liberal, argues passionately for gender equality while simultaneously advocating for a return to a time when women primarily existed to iron Carlson’s shirts and fetch his artisanal kombucha.

Carlson, in a recent interview conducted entirely in Latin (to avoid the pesky little things called "facts"), explained his groundbreaking theory: "Equality, my friends, means equality of opportunity...for men to dominate! Women, empowered by their inherent inferiority, will naturally choose to be subservient, just like they always have (because history is a big ol' boys' club). Think of it as... *positive* patriarchy. It's like... woke-but-not-woke. You know? Like, woke-adjacent. It’s the new meta-narrative of non-narrative!"

The book features helpful diagrams illustrating the proper way for women to submit without actually submitting, a chapter dedicated to the ‘superiority of the male gaze’ (with accompanying photographs of Carlson brooding intensely), and a surprisingly extensive section on the dangers of gender-neutral bathrooms (Carlson alleges they are breeding grounds for... well, let's just say things that would make a conservative’s eyebrows reach for the sky).

Critics, however, have been less than impressed. One reviewer called it, "the most exquisitely confusing thing I’ve ever read, like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube while simultaneously juggling chainsaws. And oddly compelling?", while another simply tweeted, "Is this satire? Please tell me this is satire." Sadly, this isn't satire, my friend. It's Tucker Carlson. Prepare your eyes for the impending deluge of glorious, albeit utterly baffling, masculinity.

The book is accompanied by a limited-edition set of tiny top hats for your chihuahua and a lifetime supply of Carlson's signature cologne, 'Alpha Male Musk'.