In a move that has left the internet simultaneously bewildered and ablaze with furious GIFs of screeching peacocks, renowned conservative commentator Tucker Carlson has announced the launch of "RightSwipe," a groundbreaking new LGBTQ+ dating app. Carlson, known for his staunch traditionalist views (and surprisingly well-maintained eyebrows), insists this isn't a cynical attempt to ‘own the libs,’ but rather a heartfelt effort to ‘bring together like-minded patriots who also happen to like, you know… *other* patriots.’
RightSwipe boasts a user interface so delightfully minimalist, it practically screams '1950s heteronormativity,' except with rainbows. Features include highly specific filters for preferred political affiliation (options range from ‘Mildly Conservative’ to ‘Will Build a Wall Around Your Heart’), preferred pronoun usage (currently limited to ‘he/him’ and ‘she/her’ with ‘ze/zir’ on the ‘coming soon’ list), and level of acceptance of gender-affirming care (options range from 'Absolutely Not' to 'Only If They Can Prove It's a Phase').
"It's about finding that special someone who shares your values," Carlson explained in a press release accompanied by a stock photo of two men in suits shaking hands (one clearly more uncomfortable than the other). "Whether those values involve free-market capitalism, strong borders, or a deep-seated fear of drag queens reading storybooks to toddlers, RightSwipe will connect you with your perfect match. Unless, of course, your perfect match is a gender-fluid, socialist, climate-change activist. In that case, uh… maybe try Grindr?"
Early adopters report a surprisingly diverse user base, ranging from ruggedly handsome cowboys with a penchant for MAGA hats and surprisingly advanced knowledge of gender studies, to impeccably groomed finance bros who somehow manage to be both homophobic and woke at the same time. One user, identified only as 'Chad Thundercock,' declared RightSwipe 'the most based dating app ever,' while another, known as 'Karen From Accounting,' admitted that she only downloaded it to see how many ‘commies’ she could report.
The app's success remains uncertain. However, one thing is for sure: the sheer audacity of it all is, in its own special way, a masterpiece of unexpected, ironically-woke performance art. The only remaining question is whether the app will survive the inevitable influx of trolls who are certain this is all some elaborate, liberal deep state hoax...or a very, very elaborate joke.
