In a move that has left even seasoned political commentators scratching their perfectly sculpted, gender-neutral eyebrows, Senator Barnaby Butterfield, known for his staunch opposition to 'all that rainbow nonsense,' has declared a National Pride Day. Yes, you read that right. The same Barnaby Butterfield who recently proposed a bill banning all LGBTQ+ themed bake sales, parades, and even the use of glitter in public spaces, now wants us all to celebrate 'Pride.'

Butterfield, in a press conference that was inexplicably held in front of a giant inflatable unicorn wearing a tiny top hat, explained his decision as a necessary measure to ‘control the narrative.’ ‘We can’t have these… *enthusiastic* celebrations popping up everywhere,’ he sputtered, adjusting his excessively starched collar. ‘It’s disruptive! To the fabric of society! And to my meticulously manicured lawn.’

He went on to detail his vision for this new, state-sanctioned Pride Day, which involves a strictly regulated parade featuring only one float – his own, naturally – and a mandatory viewing of a newly-produced patriotic video showcasing heterosexual couples enjoying wholesome activities like lawn bowling and filing their taxes. Any deviation from the script will result in… well, let’s just say Barnaby has some ‘interesting’ ideas about re-education camps.

Experts are baffled. 'It’s like he’s actively trying to create the most ironically inclusive event ever conceived,’ commented Dr. Anya Petrova, a leading expert in the burgeoning field of 'Accidental Wokeness.' 'It's like a delicious, perfectly-baked cake… poisoned with cyanide. It’s brilliant, horrifying, and deeply, deeply confusing.'

Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community is having a field day. Memes are already circulating depicting Butterfield dressed as a flamboyant drag queen (much to his horror), and petitions are demanding that the National Pride Day include a drag race on the Capitol lawn and a three-day Pride rave featuring the legendary DJ, Le Tigre. The irony, of course, is entirely lost on Senator Butterfield, who is currently attempting to ban the word ‘irony’ from the American lexicon.