In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative bedrock of society (and possibly cracked a few foundation stones), Chad Thundercock, the Adonis of action cinema and purveyor of aggressively masculine roles, has vehemently denied rumors of his homosexuality. This denial, delivered in a press conference featuring a suspiciously glistening bald eagle perched on his shoulder (details are still emerging), was swiftly followed by the announcement of his new autobiography, "My Gay Agenda: A Totally Straight Guide to Loving Myself (and Other Men)."

The book, a hefty 500-page tome reportedly printed on sustainably sourced rainbow-colored paper, promises an intimate journey into Thundercock's surprisingly complex and multifaceted sexual identity. Early excerpts, leaked via a rogue intern with a penchant for glitter and subversive memes, reveal such groundbreaking insights as: "My love of leather is purely coincidental, I swear," and "Yes, the dance-off scene in *Thundercock: Revenge of the Biceps* was heavily improvised – mostly impromptu choreographed routines I'd been perfecting for years in my private underground ballroom scene."

Conservative pundits are predictably apoplectic, with one prominent commentator, Brenda Buttcrack, stating, "This is an outrage! It's all part of the woke agenda to indoctrinate our children! He's clearly using this as a cunning plot to push his new line of gender-neutral scented candles!" (Interestingly, Thundercock's new candle line, "Muscles & Myrrh," is already a runaway success. Sales have skyrocketed, reportedly outselling all other scents, including "Grandma's Attic" and "Pure Manliness," which previously dominated the market.)

Sources close to Thundercock (who are, naturally, all members of a vibrant and inclusive pansexual support group called 'The Thundercocked Sapphics and their Allies') claim the whole debacle is a calculated PR move. "Chad's always been ahead of the curve," one source whispered, adjusting their rainbow-colored monocle. "He knew he could weaponize the controversy. This book is not just a memoir; it's a strategic realignment of the homo-narrative. He’s basically single-handedly redefining masculinity. And making a ton of money. "

Whatever his motivations, one thing is clear: Chad Thundercock has, once again, redefined the limits of heteronormative masculinity, one perfectly sculpted bicep at a time. And we’re all here for it. Or at least, we’re here for the fabulous merchandise.