In a stunning twist that's left the nation questioning the very fabric of reality (and possibly their sanity), renowned anti-gay marriage activist Betty Buttercup, 72, has tied the knot with her long-time partner, Brenda Buttercup, 73, in a lavish ceremony officiated by a drag queen reverend who goes by the name 'Mother Trucker'. The event, held at a repurposed bowling alley in rural Ohio, saw a diverse array of guests including a surprisingly large contingent of former Westboro Baptist Church members who, according to sources, 'found Jesus... and then each other'.
Betty, known for her fiery speeches comparing same-sex marriage to 'the apocalypse brought on by avocado toast,' explained her decision with a surprisingly insightful – and frankly, terrifying – statement: "Brenda's chili is so good, it transcends sexual orientation. It’s simply… divine. Marriage was the only logical next step. Besides, the irony is delicious." The ceremony included a choreographed dance number to ‘Vogue’ by Madonna, performed by Brenda's nieces, all of whom identify as gender-fluid interpretive dancers.
The 'woke' internet has exploded with commentary, ranging from heartfelt congratulations ('Betty, you magnificent queen!') to bewildered confusion ('Is this performance art? Did I accidentally stumble into a fever dream?'). Conservatives, meanwhile, are experiencing a collective meltdown of biblical proportions. One particularly distraught spokesperson for a prominent anti-LGBTQ+ organization was quoted as saying, "This is… this is… *unprecedented*! And their cake looked suspiciously moist."
Experts suggest this event could signify a paradigm shift in the ongoing culture wars, proving once and for all that even the most staunch opponents of same-sex marriage can be swayed by the irresistible power of a well-made chili. Or perhaps, the irresistible power of true love. Or maybe it's just a bizarre coincidence. We're still trying to figure it out.
Stay tuned for further updates, as we'll be live-streaming Betty and Brenda's honeymoon – a cross-country RV trip sponsored by a surprisingly progressive mayonnaise brand.
