In a move that's sent shockwaves through the usually placid waters of Willow Creek Elementary, third-grade teacher Ms. Deirdre Dubois has banned the use of traditional gender pronouns in her classroom. This isn't your garden-variety gender-neutral initiative, folks. Oh no. This is next-level woke. Instead of embracing the now-ubiquitous 'they/them,' Ms. Dubois, a self-proclaimed 'gender fluidity pioneer,' has decided to invent her own pronoun: 'zhe.'

According to outraged parents, the classroom now resembles a bizarre dystopian novel penned by a particularly caffeinated Octavia Butler. Children are reportedly using 'zhe' with a fervor usually reserved for Pokémon trading cards. One parent, a Mr. Chad Thundercock, was quoted as saying, "My little Timmy came home and insisted on calling me 'zhe' while simultaneously demanding a gender-affirming unicorn onesie. It's all gone utterly bonkers! This is what happens when you let the rainbow brigade run amok!"

Ms. Dubois, however, remains unfazed. In a statement released through her lawyer (who, conveniently, uses the pronoun 'xir'), she explained, "'He' and 'she' are oppressive constructs of the patriarchy, designed to maintain heteronormative hegemony. 'Zhe' transcends such antiquated notions, embracing the full spectrum of gender expression. Also, I thought it sounded cool."

The school board, attempting to navigate the ensuing maelstrom of outrage and bewildered confusion, has released a statement saying they're 'looking into it,' which, in bureaucratic jargon, translates to 'we're totally clueless and desperately trying to avoid a lawsuit.' Meanwhile, the children are gleefully constructing elaborate 'zhe' themed projects using glitter glue and old cassette tapes, completely oblivious to the societal upheaval they've unwittingly caused. They're also apparently planning a gender-neutral bake sale – selling only gender-neutral cupcakes. (Don't ask. We don't know either.)

This story, however, does beg a question: if 'zhe' is the pronoun of the future, what's next? 'Xim'? 'Yir'? 'Zuh'? Stay tuned – the gender revolution is only just beginning. And it's apparently being fuelled by excessive amounts of glitter and possibly, a lack of common sense.