The Woke News - Latest Articles

Local Teacher Bans 'Gay Agenda' Books, Secretly Pens Steamy Gay Romance Novel Under Pseudonym 'Bartholomew Butterscotch'

In a shocking twist that would make even a seasoned reality TV producer blush, Mildred McMillan, a fifth-grade teacher known for her staunch oppositio...

December 31, 2024

Conservative TV Host, After Fiery Drag Show Condemnation, Now Manages 'Sashay Away' Superstar, Crystal Methyd

In a twist more shocking than a RuPaul’s Drag Race elimination, Bartholomew 'Bart' Higgins, the host of the ultra-conservative talk show 'American V...

December 31, 2024

Leading Geneticist Debunks LGBTQ Genes, Immediately Marries Another Man in Lavish Ceremony

In a stunning turn of events that has left the scientific community scratching their heads (and possibly re-examining their funding applications), ren...

December 31, 2024

Beloved Straight TV Host, Chad Thundercock, Stars in Surprise Gay Rom-Com: 'It's Just Acting, Folks!'

In a shocking turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community, Chad Thundercock, the wholesome, all-American host of the...

December 31, 2024

CEO of 'Straight-Laced Socks' Accidentally Sponsors Pride Parade: 'It Was a Clerical Error... A Very Rainbow-Colored Clerical Error'

In a shocking turn of events that has left the internet in stitches (and possibly a little confused), Bartholomew Chumley, CEO of the notoriously cons...

December 31, 2024

Mayor McMuffin Cancels Drag, Becomes 'King McMuffin the Magnificent' in Surprise Twist

In a stunning turn of events that has left the citizens of Smallville, Ohio reeling, Mayor Mildred McMuffin, a staunch opponent of 'immoral' drag even...

December 31, 2024

Influencer Spars Over Gender Roles: 'He-Man Woman-Haters' Club Advocates for...Gender-Neutral Crocs?

In a shocking turn of events that has the internet buzzing (mostly with confused GIFs), a group of prominent influencers known as the "He-Man Woman-Ha...

December 31, 2024

CEO Blocks Pride Ad Campaign, Then Accidentally Leads Family Pride Parade Float

In a stunning display of corporate hypocrisy that would make even the most seasoned cynic blush, Gilded Gadget CEO, Barnaby Butterfield, today blocked...

December 31, 2024

Local Politician Blocks LGBTQ+ Bills, Secretly Funds Gender-Affirming Puppy Parties: 'It's Complicated'

In a move that has left political pundits scratching their heads (and possibly their wigs), State Representative Bartholomew Butterscotch, known for h...

December 31, 2024